My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
