Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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