I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
