Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
