I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
