im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
