I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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