6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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