how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
