mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
