There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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