Who wears a wallet chain?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
