I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
