I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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