Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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