Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
