you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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