not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
