Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
