Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
