i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
