**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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