I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
