Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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