I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
