I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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