i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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