i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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