I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
