my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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