Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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