Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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