3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
