I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
