I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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