He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
