Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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