Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
