tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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