My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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