wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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