Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
