haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize