My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
