just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
