Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Less talking, more tequila
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
