all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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