I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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