so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
