I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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