My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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