Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
