they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
