Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she peed on how many people?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
