if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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