my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he laminated a picture of his dick.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
