take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just want nice things and good sex
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
