Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
