90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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