She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
