I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
