you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
