she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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