NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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