bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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